Friday, November 11, 2011

Seven Ways You Can Tell if She is Clichéd

Have you heard of "Femalecliche"? Out of like 30 Global Personality Traits, including Artistic, Self absorbed, Paranoia, Thrifty and Peter Pan Complex is the Femalecliche and if you don't know what that link means about Femalecliche, I'd tell you. Albeit in a more practical manner. Here's what would happen to you if you were with a Femalecliche.

p.s. The names are completely arbitrary and have no resemblance to anyone in my past/present/future life.

Situation # 1:
You are a guy. You sit next to her at work.

She pulls your shirt while you are working on the associative search algorithm and screams, "Ashish!". You almost fall out of the chair. No its not the pull; her long nails pierce your arm. When you somewhat recover, and only by a small margin save yourself from falling, she says this: "How do you like this Lakme nailpolish?". It a shade of the toxin you saw being dumped in the river yesterday. You mumble something like "Uhm, oh yea, nice." And she says "So sweet! You know? I just bought this yesterday at the mall!"

Situation # 2:
You are a guy. You go to a party. She knows you.

She suddenly spots you, corners you and throws her babydoll-clad form over you. "Heeeeyyyyy, Sunny! Its so fantastic to see you here! How are you? Oh, you've become slimmer.." And without waiting for an answer, she purrs.. "Haah, now will you hold this for a moment?" She hands you her handbag and totters off grinning, while you wonder why it is called a 'handbag' because not only doesn't it fit in _her_ tiny birdlike hands, but it doesn't fit in yours either!
The 'moment' stretches unusually long and you have to stay there an hour clutching her aching handbag and rest of the night clutching your aching hand. She says when she returns "Oh, thanks, Sunny! Was it troublesome? No? So sweet!" and totters off taking her handbag with her. (Did you peek into her handbag? It was full of cosmetics in case you didn't!)

Situation # 3:
You plan an excursion to a nature spot.

She turns up on that day with a tight fitting dark capri a red halter and pencil heeled shoes.
What? You need explanations? She's clearly not allowed in a forest with clothes that attract attention from birds and animals. And pencil heels? She doesn't own sports shoes, or if she does she doesn't know the use!

Situation # 4
You are a college student. It doesn't matter if you are a guy or a gal. The Femalecliche of a college is as famous as a scandalous story on a TRP-crazy news channel.

She enters with her girl friends fussing about her, and everybody they can fuss about and has a rumoured guy for sure (no oxymoron, this). This is the thing about these Femalecliches. Whether or not they have a guy they will definitely have a rumoured-to-be-her-guy. The worse thing is the people who follow these Femalecliches.. remember the scandalous story and the TRP-crazy news channel, connection? These are the news channels..

Situation # 5
You are girl. You prefer anonymity to popularity. Femalecliche knows you.

You, my sister, are at the highest risk of being affected by this Femalecliche. Psychologically and emotionally, you will be worst hit by these Femalecliches! Let alone femalecliches, you will perhaps be at the receiving end of the wrath of the majority of feminine world for your "small-town-girl" ways.

And now since I have called you my sister, I will give you this tiny tid-bit of advice you would need when you have a Femalecliche around you.
Firstly, there are two kinds of Femalecliches (and you thought they were all same!).
The first one will corner you, make you sit comfortably in private and speak to you very sweetly.
The other will corner you, make you stand uncomfortably in public and simply be bland and rude.
However, my dear sister, both of them serve the same purpose - to turn you into one of their kind and to severly injure your quiet Lioness-pride.

When you have one around, just pretend you are hearing and forget whatever they say in less than a moment. Femalecliches rely on two victims: the weak and the simple. They will constantly tell you how weird you look with that full sleeved top (what else would you wear in winters?), how you are so unpopular (you should perhaps pity her because she does not know what Anonymous means - they seek solitude), how you will never get a boyfriend (as if all you want in this whole wide world (www!) of joys, is a boyfriend!).
Prevention is better than cure. You better stay away from one. Run, just Run.

Situation # 6
She goes to a friend's wedding.

You mistake her for the bride.

Situation # 7
You are a guy. You fall for her. And after many days of preparation, you finally make up your mind to 'tell her'.

She introduces you to her Rumoured-to-be-Event no 4.

Issued in public interest of her fellow people by Quaintzy Patchez.

Run, Baby. Run.


तुषार वर्मा said...

applause! very well written. funny too!writer coming of age.

Quaintzy Patchez said...

@तुषार वर्मा

Thank you very much :)

It will help me write more cynically now... :P

Winnie the poohi said...

woo hoo!1 Cho funny :D

Peyush said...

Wow, this was really great.....particularly the flow....i've got a lot to learn from you so how about your next post titled "Tips for bloggers"
But seriously yaar, it was too good, both hilarious and true at the same time

Quaintzy Patchez said...

Winnie the poohi

:) Thank you my cho funny sister, kaisee hai??


Thank you yet again :)
Hope to write something like that.. lets see..

laddu said...

all points may not be completely true thou..but was fun reading dem.....keep writing....aur haan yaar mujhe bhi bata ki main kaise aur better likhun.... :):)

Hemali- Gadget Freak said...

hehe....funny but FACTS

Dear! its not wierd as u said but honestly speaking whoever will read this will definately feel tht "yea! Patchez is right". bcoz its happening almost evrywhere. whts say friends??

but thank god ! we are not that affected by FemaleCliche ... :D

Quaintzy Patchez said...

@Peyush, @laddu
You both write well there isnt anything you have to learn from me :)

You are lucky dear!
Some ppl arent u knw :( anyway, glad we arent femalecliches!

mehak said...

hehe, i totally relate to situation #5!

Quaintzy Patchez said...

Hey, Mehak :)

@Comment - Sisters, after all :P

Sowie for posting so late, behenaa. saw it just now :P

Anonymous said...

you have a talent for insight and sarcasm.keep goin, cheers!

Quaintzy Patchez said...

Thank you, but please reaveal yourself.. :o

s()ms!e said...

Awesome write up! :) damn so cool...keep goin!

Aman said...

Good read. But cant the girl who prefers anonymity also be a kind of female cliche? I mean she can also be aspiring to belong to a certain category, Right?

In other words, she wants a different kind of popularity and is catering to a different type of audience.

I don't think there's anything wrong with looking for popularity though... Whatever makes one happy. :-)

On a more serious note, there's nothing wrong with matching to a certain profile (Honestly, I don't think any person would perfectly match a certain profile). What matters is your reason for choosing that profile.

Quaintzy Patchez said...

Hey! Welcome back! Thanks a lot! How're you doing?

Hello! :)
Look its not about belonging to a certain category. Few people like anonymity - its not clichéd - yet.
@popularity and Audience. There is no popularity involved in anonymity, and no audience hence :)
Thanks for posting here. Keep visiting!

Quaintzy Patchez said...


I'm sorry about being so late.. been busy!

manisha said...

It a shade of the toxin you saw being dumped in the river yesterday:D....LOL

situation 6 was awesome!!!!!!!!!! ROFLLLLLL

female stereotypes!!! cmpletely true...u get to see a lot of those NAIL polish incidents!!! beent here:P

p.s.- loved d changes in ur blog:) the prastutkarta and all....its great!!! and whats wid "jee" and all...

Quaintzy Patchez said...

Heyie Manishaaaaa!!! :D Love to have you back here.. been long!

And thanks for your *kind* comments :)

Now about your questions.. Well prastutkarta.. its like My Blog language was English earlier.. now its Hindi :) lol but i guess i'm gonna write on another blog if i were to write in one of my mother tongues (the other is Marathi)

And whats with jee? uhmm.. i think i've been conversing a lot on one of the Hindi forums, and.. well, we dont have this omglolwootpwn etc there.. ;) much cleaner forums.. so far.